How
are you, Sir? No, that’s a rhetorical question, I really didn’t expect
you to answer that especially in view of the game against the United
States yesterday where we saw the Champions of Africa thoroughly
outplayed by their hosts. Less than a week to the start of the World
Cup, you should be very concerned about the chances of the team after
this shambolic showing in which a number of deficiencies have been laid
bare to the whole world and especially to our opponents in the group
stage.
Before I
go any further, I think it is prudent to remind you that the big ogas in
the NFF fecking hate you more than they hate common sense. Your
relationship with those pot-bellied jokers in the Glass House is more
strained that Kim Kardashian’s relationship with Ray J. Those cats are
eagerly looking for a way to kick you out of your job and replace you
with one dead-ass white coach like that useless Lars Largerback ode who
they can control and share his salary with. A poor showing in Brazil
will give them the ammunition they need to railroad you out of your
exalted position and satisfy their hard-ons. The events of 2013 are
still very vivid, how those modafokas had prepared your sack letter and
booked a flight for the team back to Nigeria ahead of a crucial knockout
game in which they expected the team to lose, before you and the boys
threw mud in their ugly faces by defeating your opponents and going
ahead to win the cup. 2013 is here again…
While
millions of Nigerians believe in you and the team (myself included), it
is important we call a spade a spade and point out a number of mistakes
you have made with this team in the hope that these issues can be
addressed before the start of the tournament. Ready? Here we go…
JOSEPH
YOBO SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED ANYWHERE NEAR THE FECKING PITCH AGAIN! Baba,
170 million Nigerians can’t be wrong. Joseph Yobo is long past his prime
and is a goddam useless defender currently. We are not sure why the
player is in the squad, but we are unanimous in our condemnation of his
inclusion. See as ordinary Jozy Altidore, a below-average player who
played 30 games for Sunderland last season and only managed a single
miserly goal, see as he used monkey-post dribble to finish the remainder
of Yobo’s destiny and score. Person that hasn’t scored in almost 10
games for the USA now turns to Superman’s brother against Nigeria, and
Mr. Yobo was culpable for both goals. If Messi or Aguero or Di Maria
catches Yobo… Please Sir, give yourself brain and bench the hell out of
Yobo like you did at the Nations Cup. Although you are wasting a
valuable slot on the team, we will ignore this mistake as long as you do
the needful.
VICTOR
MOSES NEEDS TO GIVE HIMSELF BRAIN! Although Moses has been our most
potent attacking threat so far, it appears he has been hanging out too
much with Ahmed Musa seeing as he has started to run and run aimlessly
like that aboki without any meaningful end product. It is as if he is
trying to run off all the minutes he spent anchored permanently to the
Liverpool bench last season. You need to drum it into his ears that this
is a team game, and he is allowed to pass the ball to his teammates
sometimes, for Christ’s sake!
WHAT IS A
SHOLA AMEOBI? Another questionable inclusion to the team. You took pains
to explain why you didn’t invite Ikechukwu Kalu who scored 16 fecking
goals in the La Liga last season, but surely Shola Ameobi is not the
best you could do na? The guy has zero effectiveness in our attack and
has no business in a World Cup squad. You can use him for friendlies and
African competitive games but not the goddam World Cup! Even my 60+
year old dad would do better than Mr. Ameobi who has splinters in his
arse from warming Newcastle’s bench last season and was just released by
the club. Please Sir, help us beg your team doctors to ensure Emenike
is fully fit for the competition and consign Ameobi to continue doing
the good work he has been doing all season by keeping the bench warm.
Tenk you.
WHAT IS
MIKEL PLAYING? Another bench warmer… Mikel has been playing his annoying
style of big man football that slows down the pace of the game and
increases the risk of losing the ball. He needs to be sharper in
possession and release the ball to the runners on time, not holding on
to it like he’s the one that bought the ball and must have his way or he
will get angry and go home with his ball. Remind him this is the World
Cup, not AFCON, and he needs to get his sheet together right quick!
WHERE IS
THE LINK BETWEEN THE ATTACK AND DEFENCE? There appears to be a huge
vacuum in that part of the park. It appears Mikel or Ramon Azeez was
trying to coordinate the transition of play, but they were not doing it
effectively. Uchebo appeared to be willing when he came on against
Greece, but in this last game he was running around like a headless
chicken and losing the ball faster than our First Lady drops grammatical
ballistic missiles. You really need to find a player to effectively
fill that role or we will be faced with the same blunt attack that we
saw against the USA.
TELL
MICHAEL BABATUNDE THAT HE IS NOT MESSI, BIKO! That’s how the guy gave an
interview and said he can be Nigeria’s Messi, well not with the way he
is playing. The guy attempts Monkey Post dribbles and more often than
not loses the ball cheaply. I am yet to see the value he brings to the
team and he really should be dropped for Ahmed Musa who is the lesser of
two evils otu players. Messi ko, Messy ni.
GREET
VINCENT, BUT HE NEEDS TO SIT UP. Vincent Enyeama has been Nigeria’s most
consistent player for some time now, and fully deserves the plaudits he
has been getting. However, he could have done better regarding the
USA’s goals and he needs to sit up going into the tournament and refrain
from becoming overconfident. If Enyeama has a good tournament, Nigeria
probably will too. Please keep the nigga happy but focused…
That’s the
wrap, boss. Please be assured Nigerians are rooting for you (even them
modafoka NFF officials who will claim some form of glory in any success
the team records) and the team is in our prayers… Make us proud!
Bless!
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