by Anna Breslaw
Am I attracted to girls? Girls are great. Personally, my only requirements for a romantic partner are…
1. Can I drink the same day I take Plan B? No. You can’t.2. Should I get a job teaching English in China and totally just move to China? You will be just as confused in China, but why not?
3. Should I just get married and have babies? Kanye Shrug
4. Should I get rid of my cable to be more productive? You could, but you will just end up binge watching Scandal on Netflix or at a friend’s house. Don’t fight it.
5. Should I make a profile that advertises for a sugar daddy?
7. Do I really need health insurance? Yes, or else your mouth will be filled with cavities and regret.
8. Can I cut out carbs for good, forever? Go ahead. Try it. “Would you like some bread for the table, ma’am?” Yeah, I thought so.
9. Am I lactose intolerant? Nope, you probably just ate a full-sized log of goat cheese and expected to feel awesome afterwards.
10. Should I sell my eggs for rent money? Or freeze my eggs for, I don’t know, The Future? Or [insert egg question!] Stop bugging about your eggs.
11. Should I go back to school? Nah, use that tuition money to buy a yacht with “S.S. Help Me” painted on the side.
12. Should I start a web series/tumblr/twitter about being twentysomething? No.
13. Is my best female friend going to be more successful/happier/better off than me? Mine once told me: “Someday soon I’m going to be pushing a stroller around Brooklyn, and I really want you to be doing that at the same time, but it won’t happen if you keep being so picky!” I did not take it well.
14. Am I attracted to girls? Girls are great. Personally, my only requirements for a romantic partner are “not a shithead” and “likes consuming dairy products in bed.”
15. Is Cup o’ Soup a food group? No. Okay, and am I going to get scurvy if I subsist entirely on Cup o’ Soup? Probably.
16. Am I too old for this party? Is the floor sticky? You just answered your own question.
17. Should I get bangs? Just kidding, we never stop asking ourselves this question. Ancient womankind asked it on cave walls with crude finger-paintings of bang styles.
18. How many times a week do I have to change my sheets? I don’t have a time requirement (two weeks-ish?) so much as I do a “different sexual partner” one. (Every time.) (In theory.)
19. Should I date a guy who is still in college? I think there’s a way to apply my sticky-floor theory at #15 to boys.
20. Am I ready for a dog? If you are, for the love of God, get a rescue.
21. Does this crop-top make me look like I’m trying to be Rihanna? Haha, kind of. Should I return it? No, keep it!
22. Do I care about [Miley at the VMAs/insert cultural phenomenon here?] You should probably be paying more attention to the dog you just got. Or that super-practical boat I recommended you get back on #11.
23. Am I going to change my mind about Team Angel or Team Spike now that I am watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer as a grown-ass woman? Do not even; I have feelings on top of feelings on top of more feelings about this, like a dangerously-sloping layer cake of feelings.
24. Should I be online dating? If you can own it without shame, absolutely. Those people who do it and then say they met their boyfriend through “mutual friends” need to get off my lawn.
4. Should I get rid of my cable to be more productive? You could, but you will just end up binge watching Scandal on Netflix or at a friend’s house. Don’t fight it.
5. Should I make a profile that advertises for a sugar daddy?
7. Do I really need health insurance? Yes, or else your mouth will be filled with cavities and regret.
8. Can I cut out carbs for good, forever? Go ahead. Try it. “Would you like some bread for the table, ma’am?” Yeah, I thought so.
9. Am I lactose intolerant? Nope, you probably just ate a full-sized log of goat cheese and expected to feel awesome afterwards.
10. Should I sell my eggs for rent money? Or freeze my eggs for, I don’t know, The Future? Or [insert egg question!] Stop bugging about your eggs.
11. Should I go back to school? Nah, use that tuition money to buy a yacht with “S.S. Help Me” painted on the side.
12. Should I start a web series/tumblr/twitter about being twentysomething? No.
13. Is my best female friend going to be more successful/happier/better off than me? Mine once told me: “Someday soon I’m going to be pushing a stroller around Brooklyn, and I really want you to be doing that at the same time, but it won’t happen if you keep being so picky!” I did not take it well.
14. Am I attracted to girls? Girls are great. Personally, my only requirements for a romantic partner are “not a shithead” and “likes consuming dairy products in bed.”
15. Is Cup o’ Soup a food group? No. Okay, and am I going to get scurvy if I subsist entirely on Cup o’ Soup? Probably.
16. Am I too old for this party? Is the floor sticky? You just answered your own question.
17. Should I get bangs? Just kidding, we never stop asking ourselves this question. Ancient womankind asked it on cave walls with crude finger-paintings of bang styles.
18. How many times a week do I have to change my sheets? I don’t have a time requirement (two weeks-ish?) so much as I do a “different sexual partner” one. (Every time.) (In theory.)
19. Should I date a guy who is still in college? I think there’s a way to apply my sticky-floor theory at #15 to boys.
20. Am I ready for a dog? If you are, for the love of God, get a rescue.
21. Does this crop-top make me look like I’m trying to be Rihanna? Haha, kind of. Should I return it? No, keep it!
22. Do I care about [Miley at the VMAs/insert cultural phenomenon here?] You should probably be paying more attention to the dog you just got. Or that super-practical boat I recommended you get back on #11.
23. Am I going to change my mind about Team Angel or Team Spike now that I am watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer as a grown-ass woman? Do not even; I have feelings on top of feelings on top of more feelings about this, like a dangerously-sloping layer cake of feelings.
24. Should I be online dating? If you can own it without shame, absolutely. Those people who do it and then say they met their boyfriend through “mutual friends” need to get off my lawn.
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