They might be 30, or 75. They come in all colors, shapes, sizes and
income brackets. It doesn’t matter how long they’ve been together.
Whatever the demographics, when you see a happy couple, you just know
it!
How do these couples stay in love, in good times and in bad?
Fortunately, the answer isn’t through luck or chance. As a result of
hard work and commitment, they figure out the importance of the
following relationship “musts.” Because few couples know about all of
the musts, I think of them as the relationship “secrets.”
1. Develop a realistic view of committed relationships.
Recognize that the crazy infatuation you experienced when your romance
was new won’t last. A deeper, richer relationship, and one that should
still include romance, will replace it. A long-term relationship has ups
and downs, and expecting it will be all sunny and roses all the time is
unrealistic.
2. Work on the relationship.
An untended garden develops weeds that can ultimately kill even the
heartiest plants. And so it is with relationships. It is important to
address problems and misunderstandings immediately. Some people believe
good relationships just happen naturally. The truth is that a good
relationship, like anything you want to succeed in life, must be worked
on and tended to on a regular basis. Neglect the relationship, and it
will often go downhill.
3. Spend time together.
There is no substitute for shared quality time. When you make a point of
being together, without kids, pets and other interruptions, you will
form a bond that will get you through life’s rough spots. Time spent
together should be doing a shared activity, not just watching
television.
4. Make room for “separateness.”
Perhaps going against conventional wisdom, spending time apart is also
an important component of a happy relationship. It is healthy to have
some separate interests and activities and to come back to the
relationship refreshed and ready to share your experiences. Missing your
partner helps remind you how important he or she is to you.
5. Make the most of your differences.
Stop and think: What most attracted you to your partner at the
beginning? I’ll almost guarantee that it was exactly the thing that
drives you most insane today. Take a fresh look at these differences.
Try to focus on their positive aspects and find an appreciation for
those exact things that make the two of you different from one another.
It’s likely that your differences balance one another out and make you a
great team.
6. Don’t expect your partner to change; but at the same time give them more of what they want.
If both you and your partner stop trying to change each other, you will
eliminate the source of most of your arguments. At the same time, each
of you should focus on giving one another more of what you know the
other person wants, even if it doesn’t come naturally. For instance,
instead of complaining how your partner never cleans out the dishwasher,
try just doing it yourself once in awhile without complaint. Your
partner will likely notice your effort and make more of an effort
themselves around the house. If you do both of these things at once
you’ve got a winning plan!
7. Accept that some problems can’t be solved.
There may be issues upon which you cannot agree. Rather than expending
wasted energy, agree to disagree, and attempt to compromise or to work
around the issue. Two people cannot spend years together without having
legitimate areas of disagreement. The test of a happy relationship is
how they choose to work through such issues — through compromise,
change, or finding it’s just not that important to stew over.
8. Communicate!
Lack of communication is the number one reason even good relationships
fail. And here is a useful format for doing so, especially when dealing
with incendiary topics: Listen to your partner’s position, without
interrupting him or her. Just listen. When he or she is finished,
summarize what you heard him or her say. If you can, empathize with your
significant other even though you don’t agree. This will take your
partner off of the defensive, and make it easier for them to hear your
thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to argue when you use this format, and
best of all, you may come up with an understanding or a solution.
9. Honesty is essential.
You may share with your partner the things he or she doesn’t want to
hear. Better this than to have him or her doubt your honesty. Mistrust
is one of the key deal breakers in relationships. And once trust is lost
or broken, it can take a very long time to re-establish it in the
relationship.The happiest couples are the ones where honesty is as
natural and every day as breathing.
10. Respect your partner, and don’t take him or her for granted.
Treating your sweetheart with respect is likely to get you the same in
return. And regularly reminding them how much they mean to you will
enrich your relationship in indescribable ways. When you say, “I love
you,” pause for a moment to really mean it. And don’t be afraid to
express your feelings of appreciation with your partner — he or she will
be thankful that you did.
Making these secrets an integral part of your relationship won’t be
easy. In fact, your efforts may initially seem like planted seeds that
never come up. If you maintain your efforts, however, you will likely
reap what you sow.
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